As I’ve been increasingly lazy and increasingly disappointed in my non-existent progress, I’ve begun to wonder…is all of the world obsessed with instant gratification, or is it just something that Americans get? Is it a gene? Is it a learned behavior? Is it society’s fault? Honestly, where does it come from?
At one point, wasn’t the American dream essentially that with enough hard work and dedication people would be successful at whatever it was they worked hard towards and were dedicated to? So what’s the American dream now? If we sit there and hope for it, we’ll get what we want? Is the American dream now based on The Secret and manifest destiny? Are the two related at all?
You know what? Screw all the questions; it’s annoying to have no answers and a bunch of questions.
What’s my deal? Shit, that’s another question. I wonder, if like so many things in life, this leads to my childhood. I am the third of four kids, the first girl, and because my closest-in-age brother is eight years older than me, I’m psychologically an oldest. I had responsibilities growing up…I guess. My parents weren’t very strict, and I remember having written and posted-on-the-wall chores for about a month. There were expectations in our house, but they weren’t unreasonable. I’m sure my brothers had way more responsibilities and had to work more around the house than my sister or I ever did. My parents were by no means rich, but they weren’t broke as shit either. I feel like I lived a pretty average American childhood. I wonder if my brothers, who probably had things very differently than I did, get so immensely discouraged like I do. I wonder if either of them are instant gratification seekers. Hell, I wonder if my upbringing has anything to do with my need to see results and see them quickly.
So what is it about me that creates these roller coasters of motivation and discouragement? I’m pretty anal, very obsessive, and quite determined. But I’m also wildly lazy and spoiled. I want people to do things for me, but not unless they’re going to do it my way. I have elaborate plans and ideas in my mind but never find the inspiration to bring them to fruition. I have insanely high expectations for myself and for people around me (ask my students). I’ve also been told I’m too hard on myself. I can’t help but think those people who fed me that line of bull were oblivious to everything I was “hard on myself” for. I struggle to see my accomplishments as legitimate or valuable, but instead I see them as an expectation fulfilled; nothing worth celebration.
Am I normal or am I nuts? And why can’t I stop asking fucking questions?
I guess it all boils down to goal setting. I have to understand that I have set a long-term goal. I am working to win the biggest loser, but that is a small step in my marathon journey of life-long contentment in my body. I guess I have to accept that weight is a roller coaster, and to think the scale will show the same number day after day, or even go down without any effort on my part, if ridiculous. I just can’t help that accepting that fact is harder said than done. I mean, will I ever be happy in my body for more than a week? Are there really women who find contentment in their bodies day after day? Is this even an attainable goal? Have I set myself up for failure?
I know this will take work. I know I have to put in the elbow grease to get the result I want. I know it’s probably “so American” of me to hope that one day I won’t have to work to stay happy with the mirror’s reflection. I just can’t help hoping…
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