I figure since I’m participating in my school’s weight loss challenge, I should be the heaviest possible on the day of weigh-in. So, obviously, I didn’t go to the gym today. Friday afternoon, that’ll be my day!
Let me be clear that I am in no way attempting to train for another bikini competition. I’m not trying to be a size two. And quite frankly, I love eating too much and enjoy flavor far too much to give that up again. Screw that! I will still eat. Just not as much crap.
I don’t know if my thinking in the last few months is unique to me and my life-long awful self-image and conviction that those around me judge me as much as a I judge myself, or if my thinking has been “normal”. Whatever the root cause may be, I’ve been embarrassed.
I’ve been so self-conscious about my growing waist, thighs, arms, etc, etc. I have been avoiding the gym. My best friend and old cardio partner, Anna, has been a pretty constant gym-goer for the last few months. She’s been dedicated and motivated. And every single time she’s gone, she’s invited me. I have been so afraid of realizing the strength I’ve lost, so afraid of not lifting with Robyne, and afraid of getting a real grasp on how far I’ve slipped. So a few times, I slept too late or made an excuse. I didn’t want my best friend to think as poorly about me as I do. And I know if she reads this she’ll think, “I never thought poorly about you!” I have this strange certainty that people judge me. Even, or maybe especially, those who I’m closest to. I’m sure it’s not healthy. But how do you change something you’ve always known? Maybe I want them to judge me. Maybe if I’m judged by others I’ll at least be right in judging myself.
Last month, on a day of random motivation, I went to the gym. While there, I saw a girl with whom I worked last year (while training). She saw me every day, watched my transformation and was a huge at-school supporter. I hadn’t seen her since the last day of school, two weeks after I competed.
I hoped upon hope that she wouldn’t notice me. And son of a bitch, she did. She came over, shared some small talk, and said I looked good. I couldn’t help but not believe her. If I were her, I would have been thinking, “Holy crap. She let herself go.” Was she thinking that? Am I making it up?
See, that’s what I’m talking about. I have been so embarrassed. I was even nervous to see family at Christmas that I hadn’t seen since March because I have let myself go. So is anyone judging me? Why do I care? Why do I let my fabricated thoughts of others get to me? Or should I let them drive me? Part of me wants to do this to show everyone, all my judgers, that I can do it again, but keep it up this time. But the logical side of me knows that unless you do it for yourself, and yourself alone, it will never work.
I’m not feeling motivated today. I’m feeling fat and discouraged. But then, the pancake syrup I ate by the spoonful and the chocolate pudding (it was fat free!) I had for dinner probably didn’t help…
Tomorrow is a new day.
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